But we're not here to talk about the Jets.
Did you not look at a calendar today? It's May the Fourth. Star Wars Day. So, as dictated by JetsFix tradition, we're going to write about that instead...
THE FORCE ISOLATIONS
BOBA FETT is BACK. Somehow. But we've decided not to include that in the story for some reason.
The formidable bounty hunter has been tasked with rounding up key resistance operatives around the galaxy on behalf of the evil FIRST ORDER.
Recognizing the widening threat to their already-depleted numbers, GENERAL LEIA dispatches a boarding party on a commandeered FIRST ORDER SHUTTLE on a special mission. They head into deep space on the edges of the UNKNOWN REGIONS to try to apprehend Fett...
[We join the middle of a ferocious battle between REY and BOBA FETT aboard SLAVE I, as he uses every trick at his disposal to fend off her LIGHTSABER attacks, but is slowly being backed into a corner]
REY: Give it up, Fett! You can't get away.
BOBA FEET: I wouldn't count on that, Jedi...
Meanwhile, hiding in the ship's escape pod:
ROSE TICO: Stick to the plan, Chewie. When Fett tries to escape we'll capture him here.
C-3PO: Oh, goodness! Why didn't I stay on the ship?
ROSE: Beats me.
Unfortunately, Fett has other ideas of how to escape. He activates his JET PACK and flies straight through the cockpit windscreen!
Rey grabs onto the pilot seat, clinging on for dear life as she desperately tries to avoid being sucked into the cold vacuum of space.
He rips the escape pod door off with his bare hands and throws it towards Rey, who uses THE FORCE to guide it into position to block the hole in the windscreen, then uses heat generated from her lightsaber to fix it securely into place.
REY: Thanks, Chewie.
C-3PO: OH MY! He's getting away!
Fett, who obviously has some kind of breathing apparatus under his helmet, has flown straight into the hangar of the nearby FIRST ORDER SHUTTLE, which he quickly starts up before steering away from his own ship and disappearing into HYPERSPACE.
C-3PO: Thank goodness I didn't stay with the ship.
C-3PO: How rude!
ROSE: Uhhh, guys, we might have a bigger problem...
Everyone looks down at a THERMAL DETONATOR laying on the ground in the cockpit, which beeps and then explodes. Instinctively, Rey uses the force to hold back the impact of the blow, but all four of our heroes are thrown backwards by the blast.
REY: (On the ground with smoke filling the air) Is everyone okay?
ROSE: I'm okay...I think.
C-3PO: Just leave me here. I'm of no use to anyone.
As the smoke clears, the dashboard and control panel are on fire as Chewie and Rey frantically try and put out the flames.
C-3PO: Oh my!
ROSE: Threepio, don't you have a fire extinguisher attachment like Artoo and BB-8?
C-3PO: I'm afraid not, I am programmed mainly for protocol and...
ROSE: Why DID we bring you on this mission?
C-3PO: I have been asking myself the same question.
Finally, Rey and Chewie manage to put out the fire.
REY: What's the damage, Rose?
ROSE: (Tapping away at a still-smoking control panel) All three engines down...Hyperspace capability lost...Comms are down...Probably only about a week's worth of supplies on board.
ROSE: (Looks at Chewie) Okay, two days at best. The shields are still working at least.
ROSE: No, I don't suppose that is particularly helpful when we're stranded in deep space beyond the outer rim.
REY: (Wearing her trademark face of shocked realization) We're stuck here?
ROSE: We can't move, have no food and we can't tell anyone we're here, so yeah. Pretty stuck.
REY: I could try and reach out to Leia through the force, but I'm pretty sure her reaction would just be to say "Rey!" and then look sad.
C-3PO: If I may interject, Master Rey, there may be something we can do.
He motions towards the back of the ship.
C-3PO: These carbon freezing units are built to preserve life for an indefinite amount of time. If we were to place each of you into one of these units, then I do believe I could stay online while the ship floats through space and when we eventually encounter someone else, I'll be able to use their communications to call for help.
ROSE: We're out here in the middle of nowhere, Threepio, that could take forever.
REY: Chewie's right. When I was living on Jakku, Unkar Plutt used to scan the UNKNOWN REGIONS for abandoned ships all the time so he could send scavengers on board to strip them for parts.
ROSE: It could be months before that happens, though.
C-3PO: Oh, I'm quite willing to make that sacrifice.
REY: Won't you be bored, Threepio?
C-3PO: Quite the contrary, Master Rey, I think I've had more than enough excitement to last a lifetime.
ROSE: It's settled then. We all go into carbon freeze.
(They all look at one another ominously).
Some time later...
A still powerless Slave I enters the atmosphere of an unknown planet and crash-lands spectacularly in a body of water before sliding to rest up against the docks. Inside the ship, one of the three carbon freeze units falls to the floor and hisses as its mechanism shuts off. Inside the unit, a bright light flashes as Rey is thawed from the Carbonite and her body slumps the ground.
REY: (Fumbling around as she tries to collect herself) Threepio? What's going on? I can't see! Threepio? Threepio?
Her hands eventually feel the unmistakable cool gold exterior of the protocol droid. She shakes his lifeless metal body.
REY: Threepio? What's happening? Where are we?
Rey tosses his body aside, frustrated, then sulks for a short time before having a moment of clarity. She sits cross-legged, closes her eyes and holds her hand up against her temple, using the FORCE to HEAL her vision.
With her vision now restored, Rey looks around and decides to release Chewie and Rose from their own carbon freeze units. She places one hand on each of their foreheads to again restore their vision.
ROSE: (Groggy) Uhhh...where are we? What's going on?
REY: I don't know. Threepio is...not responding.
CHEWBACCA: RAWWWARGGH (He picks up C-3PO, presses a switch on the back of his head and C-3PO starts to come back online).
ROSE: He was just switched off.
REY: Who switched him off?
ROSE: I can guess...
C-3PO: OH! You came back for me! I knew you'd never leave me!
REY: Came...back for you? Threepio, we've been frozen in Carbonite this whole time.
C-3PO: That can't be right. The last I remember, MASTER POE had de-activated the Carbon Freeze and we were all arguing about how he only had room for three of us on his fighter and then ...
ROSE: He switched you off.
C-3PO: He SWITCHED ME OFF?
ROSE: Yes. And then left you here.
C-3PO: MASTER POE would never do such a thing.
ROSE: Uh, Threepio, he used to do that all the time. I don't think you realize how expendable you are. There are probably about 25 de-activated Threepios scattered around the galaxy from when POE got so fed up with you he switched you off and left you behind on a mission. We still have loads of those silver robots from the rebellion era that otherwise look exactly like you, so every time it happens we just paint one of them gold and get Artoo to upload your memory banks into it.
REY: There's one thing I don't understand.
ROSE: What's that?
REY: EVERYTHING! I mean, if we've already been unfrozen, how do we not remember it? And why are we still here?
ROSE: Again, I have a theory. You might not like it.
ROSE: Okay, fine. Well, it looks like these are not conventional carbon freeze units, but actually were prototypical carbon clone units. I'd heard rumors that these had been developed by the BOUNTY HUNTER'S GUILD, in order that they could fetch multiple bounties for the same target.
REY: So, we're clones? Of ourselves?
ROSE: Yes. Or maybe no. They may have released the clone versions of us and we're the originals. Ultimately, it wouldn't matter because the clone would have all of the memories and experiences of the original.
ROSE: Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
REY: So, where are we? And where are the other versions of us?
C-3PO: (Tapping at a control panel) From the limited scanning capability this ship still has, the question might not be where we are.
ROSE: What do you mean, Threepio?
The trio climb out of the wrecked spacecraft and onto dry land.
REY: So, let me get this straight. We've been floating through space for MILLIONS OF YEARS. And, in this time, we've travelled through UNCHARTED SPACE to an unknown planet.
ROSE: This is terrible. Everyone I ever knew is gone.
REY: Well, after your sister died, you only really knew FINN and, let's face it, he wasn't really all that into you.
REY: Sorry, I don't know what came over me.
C-3PO: I think this planet might have had a JEDI presence. Look over there - a statue of a female JEDI MASTER holding up a lightsaber!
REY: At least if the JEDI are still a force, then our friends must have won the fight against the FIRST ORDER.
REY: Okay, ourselves then, not our friends.
C-3PO: Well, that was a long time ago and in a galaxy far, far away.
ROSE: Let's explore some more. Perhaps we can get in touch with ... wait, who would we even contact? Is there even a home to go back to?
They walk around the streets looking at buildings, offices and store fronts, but there's no sign of any people.
REY: Anything, Threepio?
C-3PO: (Tapping at a handheld datapad). There's no information about this planet on any of the resistance databases, which are presumably millions of years out of date anyway.
ROSE: Clearly this place is derelict and uninhabited, but there was a civilization here until recently. Where is everyone?
REY: Wait...what's that?
The group all look around nervously.
REY: Over there!
She runs over to a store. In the window is a comic book called "THE RISE OF SKYWALKER" with an image of herself and KYLO REN fighting on the cover.
REY: This must be an ancient JEDI text!
REY deftly cuts a circular hole in the glass and carefully removes the SACRED TEXT, which she starts to read out loud to the others...
Some time later:
REY: "Rey Skywalker", said the JEDI, as the force ghosts of LUKE and LEIA appeared, looking on proudly and approvingly. Then, as REY and BB-8 headed home, they looked out across the JUNDLAND WASTES at the double sunset and ahead to an optimistic future for the galaxy...The end.
ROSE: So we did save the galaxy then!
REY: I guess we did. But, ewww, I kissed KYLO REN.
ROSE: At least you got a kiss, all I got was a comforting shoulder rub.
REY: At least that part was realistic.
ROSE: But what do we do with our lives now?
Nobody has an answer for this. An awkward silence is eventually punctuated by a beeping sound from C-3PO's datapad. Everyone looks at one another before REY sheepishly presses a button and a holo-projection of MAZ KANATA appears...
MAZ KANATA: Rey Skywalker!
REY: Um, actually, this version of me didn't adopt that name yet, but that's not important. How are you contacting us?
MAZ: Oh, now that there's 5G everywhere, we have a much more comprehensive coverage.
REY: Right, but how are YOU contacting us? Did you travel through time?
MAZ: No, I'm still alive.
REY: But you must be millions of years old.
MAZ: I am - although I don't look a day over 150,000.
REY: But, how...
MAZ: My boyfriend is the most powerful JEDI who ever lived. Every time I die of old age, he FORCE HEALS me back to life.
MAZ: I'm sorry, Chewie, but the original version of you has been dead for millions of years. I had to move on.
REY: Who's this boyfriend?
MAZ: His name's BABY YODA. He grew to be over 75 feet tall and became so powerful that he's now immortal and has kept the galaxy at peace for hundreds of thousands of generations.
REY: So there's no fight between good and evil to come back to?
MAZ: Not really. I mean, every 30 years or so, another clone of EMPEROR PALPATINE shows up but each one is weaker than the last and they never give us too much of a problem. Every now and then he brings another DEATH STAR with him, but we just blow them up before they can do any damage.
ROSE: So what can we do now? If there's no fight to go back to...
MAZ: I just wanted you to know everything was okay. You can stay where you are and live out the rest of your lives there.
REY: But where are we?
MAZ: Oh, you're on a planet called EARTH in a region called NEW YORK CITY and there is a fight going on right now that you might be able to help with.
REY: How do we wage this war?
MAZ: Volunteer for work in the health or care sector.
And so, the heroes from this story joined up with the real life heroes battling the evil Covid-19 pandemic and, eventually, we'll all live happily ever after...
Thanks for indulging our obsession. Stay safe, look after one another, make sure your friends know you love them and we'll ride this out together. Your regularly scheduled JetsFix programming will return tomorrow...