JetsFix Mailbag 2025: Part One

It's time for the 2025 JetsFix Mailbag, which will run in three parts over the next few weeks. Remember, the idea is for everyone to ask one Jets/NFL question and one non-NFL question, a rule which many of you - as always - failed to adhere to. Here's part one:

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Jets/NFL question: Hypothetical scenario: A group of scientists working at the Bronx Zoo have created a super-intelligent western lowland gorilla named Samson. That is, he's super-intelligent for a gorilla. Compared to humans he's at about the level of a 14 year old. He can't talk, but he can understand English, knows sign language, and can read and write. After a few years of invasive and ethically dubious testing, he decides to sue the company that made him with the help of some animal rights activists. The case goes to the US Supreme Court, but in the end it's ruled that as a sapient being, he has the same rights as any human, and is ruled to have American citizenship.

Now that he's free and out in the world, Samson finds he's having trouble finding and keeping a job. He's not particularly smart compared to the humans he's now surrounded by, and has trouble getting and keeping the kinds of jobs he's qualified for, because he can't speak and also he is a large gorilla. He's been living off the settlement money from the lawsuit and his status as a minor celebrity. He does paid appearances and autograph signings, but people gawking at his ape body just reminds him of growing up trapped in the zoo. He has few hobbies, no dating prospects (Everyone around him is a human, and mating with another gorilla feels wrong knowing that he'd have a different level of understanding than the female would), and few actual friends. However, one thing he does enjoy is watching football.

Growing up, his handler at the zoo, the only human that didn't treat him like a science experiment, was a big Jets fan, and he'd watch games with Samson on Sundays. Something about displays of dominance appealed to his ape nature, while the strategy and skill involved spoke to a level of human mastery that he was constantly striving for. Samson kept watching and following the league after he won the lawsuit and was on his own. Eventually, the settlement money started to dry up, and he realized that he needed to do something to change how things were going if he was ever going to feel accepted and live the life he always dreamed of. It was the Tuesday of Wildcard Weekend when he first got the idea, Thursday of the Conference Championship week when he put the letter in the mailbox, and the Monday before the Pro Bowl when the letter finally came across Woody Johnson's desk. Samson wanted to play in the NFL, and wanted to give his favorite team the first opportunity to let him try out.

In the letter, Samson notes that while he's never played football or any organized sport, he can follow instructions well, can lift 1500lbs, and runs a 3.9 second 40. He's 330lbs, is only 5'3", but has an 8'2" wingspan, and can jump 3.5 feet in the air. In an effort to be transparent, he also mentions some traits that would be a negative on the football field. Obviously he can't talk (but can make different vocalizations that are not words, from roars to whimpers) and would likely need a translator to communicate through sign language outside of game situations. He generally used four limbs to walk and run, so he would need to jump or slow down significantly to do things like catch a ball, and he'll be slightly slower whenever he's carrying the ball, as he won't be able to hold it and use that hand to run at the same time. While he can stand to his full height if needed, he finds it uncomfortable and hard to balance over long periods and rarely does it. He also doesn't have the same level of intelligence of most players, which could impact his ability to read the opposing team or handle complex play calls.

He also recognizes there are some safety issues involved with him playing. For himself, he'd likely need custom fitted pads and a helmet made and approved by the league to fit his head. For opponents, Samson notes that he realizes that he can seriously hurt someone with relative ease, but does not want to cause injuries and will strive to use proper technique to be as safe as possible while also playing hard and to the best of his ability.

Samson also notes in the letter that while he wants to play for the Jets, he intends to hire an agent and if a deal isn't reached, he will pursue offers from the other 31 teams.

So here's the questions: Given all this, if you were Woody Johnson, would you be willing to sign a gorilla to your team? How about if you were the GM and Woody gives you the okay? If you were Goodell, would you approve Samson playing if he can find a willing team, keeping in mind that he has a history of litigation? And if you were the coach, what position would you have him play and how would you best use him? Also, would it take more than one offseason to train him up enough for him to be useful in a game situation?

There's always one person who decides to ask an eccentric and long-winded question and my instinct is usually to give it short shrift with a non-answer of some kind.

However...you inadvertently tapped into something I'd been thinking about, thereby giving me an excuse to go off on a wild tangent.

It's been on my mind recently because I was thinking about how wild it is that we all just take for granted that dogs work for the police doing a job that humans are literally incapable* of doing.

*I say incapable but actually I once met a guy who worked for a firm that develops fragrances such as the fresh bread smell that often gets piped-in at supermarkets to try to tap into your subconscious to make you crave baked goods. He had fine-tuned his sense of smell over decades and his nose was insured for almost a million dollars. Could he have theoretically carried out the task of tracking a criminal having been given an item containing their scent? Potentially, but it likely wouldn't have been as lucrative as his current job, would be kinda demeaning and would place additional demands on him that would be unrealistic such as running the perp down and taking him down with his teeth. Anyway, he showed me round his factory and made far too many fart jokes.

I digress...if we can train a police dog to do that and society is okay with him being part of the team and labor laws such as minimum wage legislation not being applied in the same way as they are for human employees, then could this be an untapped resource.

Let's stick with the gorilla for now. If you could train a gorilla to line up in the correct spot and stay still until the ball was snapped, then charge at the line of scrimmage and clear a path, it could revolutionize running games. He could be given special gloves so his claws don't get caught up on opposing players' uniforms to draw holding penalties and a special muzzle so he doesn't rip anyone's throat out with his teeth.

If you're picking your roster and your choice is that gorilla or Andrew Beck, who are you going to choose to be your fullback? Sorry, Andrew, but he's just more effective at that one role that you are.

It's not like animals in sport are unprecedented. Anyone who suggests Samson the Gorilla should not be allowed to play in the NFL should be told that this sets a precedent whereby in future all horse races will require a human jockey to ride on the back of another human who will somehow have to be capable of running on all fours with an adult strapped to his back and perhaps jumping over the occasional hedge, fence or bush.

In the modern NFL since Bill Belichick popularized the concept of filling out your roster with guys who have one elite specialization, it's becoming increasingly popular to bring someone aboard and deploy them situationally in a way that mitigates their exploitable weaknesses by enabling them to concentrate on the one thing they do well.

So, how far could we take this? With so much role specificity these days, couldn't we find non-human options to fill out a variety of roles?

Kangaroos are famed for their kicking - how far can they punt a ball? A gazelle can't escape a lion on the African plains so would Josh Allen be able to get away from one if you sent him off the edge on a blindside blitz? Heck, sea lions are better at catching the ball on the tip of their nose than Allen Lazard is when he uses his hands, so there must be an upgrade available somewhere in the animal kingdom.

It's a natural evolution of what we thought Todd Bowles was doing 10 years ago, only that it turned it he wasn't doing anything nearly as interesting:

It all started with an innocent exchange in the comments section of this very blog. Someone - it may even have been me - came across a quote Bowles had made having just taken over as defensive coordinator in Arizona.

"We have to make sure elephants stay elephants and giraffes stay giraffes."

This set the imagination wheels turning. Clearly he's talking about an elephant in the context of the elephant position. The elephant position is a hybrid end/linebacker position (E/L = Elephant, get it?) which is basically the same as the rush linebacker position that Quinton Coples played for Rex Ryan last year. It's the name the Packers give to the position Julius Peppers played for them last season and is also sometimes referred to as the leo position (linebacker/end = L/E = Leo, get it?) including by teams such as Seattle.

So we know what an elephant is - or at least we think we do - but what's a "giraffe" within this context? Well, when considering the main trait that a giraffe brings to the table - length - the answer seemed obvious. The 6'8" Calais Campbell is an integral part of that defense, maybe even the key player, so it seemed obvious that Bowles must value length on his defense and that a player with extraordinary length - like the 35.5 inch-armed Muhammad Wilkerson - is viewed as an essential component on the line. Then, clearly, the above quote is about putting each player into the correct role where he can have the most success.

Except...it doesn't actually mean any of that. So, while we were getting ahead of ourselves and assigning anthropomorphic characteristics to a bunch of different animals ("Damon Harrison must be a hippo!") and losing track of where the line between reality and assumption was drawn, it turned out that the whole thing was a red herring.

Bowles had also made some comment about elephants and giraffes when coaching with the Dolphins in 2011, so clearly it's just phraseology he uses to emphasize the difference between the attributes some of his players bring to the table. In that context, all he's talking about here is ensuring his players are disciplined within their roles rather than just taking the attacking mindset too far.

Would anything like this happen in the real world? No, of course not, but it's feasible enough for Hollywood so I'd like to pitch a movie for which the screenplay practically writes itself. Let's call it "Coach Dolittle".

In this movie, I'm imagining an evil circus owner* who treats his staff and animals badly, but is making money hand over fist by being a powerful bully who keeps money earmarked for health and safety or staff welfare to himself.

*Ideal debut movie role for Rex Ryan's post-football career tell me I'm wrong.

Eventually he's become so successful that the town is going bankrupt and virtually everyone is plunged into poverty but still forced to continue to enrich him as he takes over the town's food supply chain and real estate.

Desperate for help, the mayor meets with the evil circus owner to beg for him to assist the town in some way but ends up getting drugged and signs a contract for a winner-takes-all football game against the circus owner's team. If the mayor's team wins, the circus owner will leave town forever and assign ownership of all his properties back to the current tenants. However, if the mayor's team loses, he must leave town and allow the circus owner full access to all the council's remaining resources and funding streams.

So you have your Space Jam/Longest Yard set-up, with the Mayor enlisting the local zookeeper, a descendent of the famed "Dr. Dolittle" to coach the hapless locals into some kind of football team.

However, as the game begins, it emerges that the contract the mayor signed allows for animals to be participants on the team and, using tazers, shock collars and other articles of cruelty, the circus owner has created an impenetrable defense with elephants on the defensive line and lions and tigers in the back seven that have the locals literally running for their life as he laughs maniacally saying things like "What are you running for? I'm not going to let them hurt you!"

On offense, the coach plays quarterback himself, finding it easy to just stroll casually down the field with his well-trained animals clearing a path. Unsurprisingly, his team heads into the half with a 72-0 lead and everyone is resigned to him taking over the town once and for all.

A dejected coach Dolittle decides to give up and heads back to the zoo, but when he gets there his parrot tells him not to give up and he is suddenly inspired to call all the animals together and figure out if they can help out his team.

The game is about to be forfeited when Dolittle and his procession of animals arrives on the scene and of course they operate like a well-oiled machine with everyone contributing in some small way.

Eventually one of the zoo animals scores a touchdown to make it 72-7. At this point you're expecting a come-from-behind win but instead the circus owner loses his mind and gets his lions to start attacking the zoo animals.

Chaos ensues, only coming to an end when the parrot flies into the middle of the battle and screeches for everyone to stop. With the field destroyed, the ball punctured and the goalposts toppled, the circus owner says the game has to be abandoned as a 72-7 win, as per a clause in the contract he had drawn up by his lawyers that the mayor signed.

He says he will collect the keys to the mayor's office in the morning and commands his animals to follow him back to the circus at which point they do not respond. So, he gets angry and threatens to press the button on the handheld device he has that activates their shock collars but the parrot flies past and yoinks it from his hand and then tosses it to a bear, who eats it.

Then a lion bites the circus owner's head off and the town rejoices while all the animals happily follow Coach Dolittle back to the zoo to live happily ever after.

Hey, it was better than "Snow White".

Non-Jets/NFL question: How's it going?

Not bad, although truthfully I did have to have emergency surgery on Thursday morning. It went well though and I should make a full recovery.

To be fair, it was only because I chipped a tooth on Tuesday night though.

Well, would you look at that, we're all out of time already and I only got through one pair of questions. I'll try to get through more in the next installment.

Still to come: Han Solo, Juan Soto and the lead singer from Toto plus maybe even some Jets stuff! Part two will be up within the next few days...