STAR WARS EPISODE XIII½ - THE OVERSTRETCHED PREMISE

STAR WARS
EPISODE XIII½
THE OVERSTRETCHED PREMISE

The enemy is regrouping! His plans foiled, former resistance member FINN has been rescued by a MYSTERIOUS STRANGER with the ability to use the force; an idea that we're pretty sure "The Acolyte" ripped off during their first season. No wonder they got cancelled.

Anyway, where were we? Look, let's be honest, it's getting increasingly challenging to recap this dizzyingly complicated saga within the confines of an appropriately-lengthed opening crawl.

Let's just hope that one of the characters conveniently explains everything in one of the early scenes...

[DEEP SPACE: The camera is out of focus as what appears to be a star comes into vision, getting closer and closer until it fills the screen. As the image sharpens, we pan back out to reveal C-3PO'S EYE and then the camera moves back further still to show that the eye is part of the armor for the MYSTERIOUS STRANGER, whose features are otherwise hidden behind a black cloak. FINN is hanging on for dear life as we see the pair floating through space towards the planet AHCH-TO and into the atmosphere]

[They land on the mountain-side where our heroes initially found the WRIST OF SKYWALKER with FINN hitting the ground with a thump and dusting himself off as he clambers back to his feet]

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: Don't worry, FINN, I'm about to conveniently explain everything.
FINN: Oh, now you'll talk? You were silent for that whole journey. Even when we stopped off for gas.
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: Trust me, it works better narratively.

[The MYSTERIOUS STRANGER removes their cloak, revealing a familiar gold-face mask and some other golden armor]

FINN: Threepio? Wait...what?

[The mask is removed, revealing a pissed-off looking ROSE]

ROSE: It's me, you idiot.
FINN: WHAT?!?! How can this be happening?
ROSE: (Takes a deep breath) So, we were living in resistance era but then there was a cloning mix-up and we found ourselves millions of years in the future and all droids have hyperspace units now and BABY YODA is millions of years old but he's immortal and 75-feet tall and his wife is MAZ KANATA who is still alive because he force-heals her every time she dies of old age, but we lost REY and we were trying to get her back but then there were some side-quests and we had to wake up BABY YODA and apparently you showed up because you were actually an android THIS WHOLE TIME and you're pissed that REY never listened to you so you sat in exile for a million years with the SITH REMNANT waiting for a chance to take a revenge that may have never have come and then recklessly got all the other Siths killed but now I'm pissed too so I'm going to help you.
FINN: Okay, just one question...
ROSE: That wasn't a comprehensive enough recap for you?
FINN: Wait, not one question. Several questions...First why did you bring me here?
ROSE: You're going to meet my new master. No, OUR new master.
FINN: (gulps) Oh...kay. How did you manage to fly us into hyperspace?
ROSE: Well, BB-8 left me here with the trashed NEW-THREEPIO that GLAH, the EMPEROR PORG, threw off the mountain.
FINN: Emperor Porg?!?! Like a Porg that's been possessed by the...
ROSE: (sighs) No, just a big Porg, like because of evolution. He's velcro'd to CHEWBACCA now...look, never mind. All you need to know is that I used the C-3PO parts to build my armor, including this ass-plate which contains the hyperspace unit and propulsor system.
FINN: You're wearing his butt?
ROSE: Shut up, Finn. Any more stupid questions or are you ready to meet our new master?
FINN: Just one. You used the force...are you a JEDI now or something?
ROSE: Not exactly. Kinda the opposite of that.

[Flashback to ROSE yelling as BB-8 buzzes around her like a fly and then flies away]

ROSE: DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND AGAIN! I AM SICK OF IT!

[She screams out in anguish until she is breathless and then bends forwards, panting until she hears a similar scream off in the distance and initially gets confused, then heads down the mountainside to explore where it is coming from as she hears it again]

ROSE: (Arrives at the DARK SIDE CAVE where the destroyed C-3PO remains are laying) IS SOMEBODY IN THERE? HELLO?!?!

[As she hears the scream again, ROSE enters the cave cautiously and there is a moment of silence before another piercing scream. The sunlight fades, displaying the passage of time, and she then exits the cave with unmistakeable yellow evil Sith eyes and picks up the C-3PO wreckage]

[Back to now...]

FINN: So, your master was in here?
ROSE: Yes, you must recognize this as the DARK SIDE CAVE that REY went into and had some kind of weird Hall of Mirrors epiphany trip?
FINN: Uh, yeah, sure she, um, told me about that.
ROSE: Heh, no she didn't.
FINN: Shut up, Rose.
ROSE: So, about our new master. Do you ever remember hearing the Legend of DARTH MAUL?
FINN: Darth Maul? The Sith Lord who got cut in half but channelled his anger and the dark side of the force to keep himself alive and eventually got a new set of legs implanted? But he was killed for good on Tatooine by OBI-WAN KENOBI in 2 BBY.
ROSE: Ha, you nerd!
FINN: Shut UP, Rose.
ROSE: Don't worry, it's not Darth Maul. But another prominent figure who was strong in the Dark Side of the Force was bisected at the waist and channelled his anger, bringing himself here and letting the anger fester in him to remain alive for all these generations until he revealed his presence to me and used my anger to make me strong in the dark side of the force.
FINN: That's not how the force works!
ROSE: You, of all people, have no idea how the force works.
FINN: Okay, who is it? The suspense is killing me.
ROSE: I present...SUPREME LEADER SNOKE.

[From the darkness of the cave a foot steps out wearing a sandal. The skin is flaking, the toe-nails are darkened, sharp and twisted and the stench is pungent. His golden pajama pants are revealed as he steps forward into the light...]

FINN: You're kidding me. It's just the bottom half?
ROSE: Now we have all we need to defeat BABY YODA in lightsaber combat.
FINN: How? You're not trained. I'm...not very good.
ROSE: SNOKE can battle him.
FINN: BUT HE HASN'T GOT ANY FUCKING ARMS!!!

[SNOKE slowly and deliberately lifts one foot off the ground and then turns so the front of his foot is six inches from FINN's face, and sticks up his middle toe, while curling up all the others. FINN retches from the stench]

ROSE: Apparently, that doesn't matter.
FINN: How is he even able to communicate any of this to you?
ROSE: I have C-3PO's translation unit - did you know that he's fluent in...
FINN: ...over six million forms of communication, yes we know.
ROSE: Just so happens that number 5,999,999 is the gurgling of his cauterized entrails.
FINN: Out of interest, what's number 6,000,000?
ROSE: Welsh.

[She kneels down before SNOKE]

ROSE: What is thy bidding, my master?

[Over on TAK-TOK, BABY YODA stumbles and falls to a knee as he grabs his chest]

MAZ: What is it, Groggy?
BABY YODA: A GREAT DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE, HAVE I FELT. DANGER, WE ARE IN.
MAZ: Hopefully FINN isn't going to STRAP HIMSELF TO A MYSTERIOUS STRANGER AND COME BACK TO TAK-TOK
BABY YODA: GOING TO CATCH ON, THAT PHRASE IS NOT
MAZ: That sucks... (Looks forlornly over at a box of unsold STRAP YOURSELF TO A DROID, CHEWIE t-shirts)

[CUT TO HYPERSPACE, WHERE ROSE AND FINN AND SNOKE ARE OBVIOUSLY ON THEIR WAY TO TAK-TOK]

FINN: (Whispers) What are you looking so upset about? I'd have thought you'd be pleased to get your own Sith Title.
ROSE: (Also whispering) I am, it's a great honor.
FINN: Well, then.
ROSE: Darth Goldenbutt, though? Why do I have to be Darth Goldenbutt?
FINN: What difference does it make?
ROSE: If it doesn't matter, why don't you swap with me?
FINN: I can't even remember what my Darth name was.
ROSE: I thought it was DARTH SORRIBOL.
FINN: Ha, who's the nerd now?

[Back on TAK-TOK, GOBBUL AND FRO-YO are sharing a set of quadnocs as they look into the distance]

GOBBUL: Arrived, they have.
FRO-YO: Three of them, there are.
MAZ KANATA: (Puts down the AMULET, adjusts her goggles and then picks up the AMULET again) Looks more like two-and-a-half.

[They land on their feet, other than FINN who again falls to the ground awkwardly with a thump]

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
PORG EMPEROR: GLAH! GLAH!
MAZ KANATA: Reveal yourself to us, MYSTERIOUS STRANGER.

ROSE: (Pulls back the hood of her cloak and removes the C-3PO mask) It is I!
FINN: (Leans across and whispers) Aren't you going to announce yourself by your new Sith name?
ROSE: (Through her teeth) SHUT UP, FINN...
C-3PO: Why it's Mistress Rose.
MAZ: Oh, it's ROSE. Okay.
PORG EMPEROR: GLAH! I'd forgotten about her. GLAH!
ROSE: Okay? OKAY?!?! That's your reaction? You're supposed to be flabbergasted - I'm here to screw everything up for you all. Me! ROSE! Of all people...
MAZ: (shrugs) Eh.
FINN: You FOOLS. Her anger only makes her stronger. She's tapped into the Dark Side of the Force now and we've been ignored and forgotten for long enough!

[ROSE extends her palm and the AMULET starts to rattle in MAZ's hand. Suddenly, BB-8 is released from the power socket and flies towards her so she catches him]

MAZ: The power source for the power source! We need that to bring back REY!

[BABY YODA summons his lightsaber and ignites it and points it towards ROSE]

ROSE: I will not fight you, BABY YODA.
BABY YODA: THEN PREVENT ME FROM RETRIEVING THE POWER SOURCE, YOU CANNOT
ROSE: Just because I will not fight you, that doesn't mean NOBODY will.

[SNOKE steps forward]

MAZ: Okay, who's this now? Half Vader?
R2-D2: Beep boop beep
C-3PO: Artoo's scanners indicate that this is SUPREME LEADER SNOKE. Or, at least...what's left of him.
BABY YODA: FIGHT THE SUPREME LEADER, I CANNOT.
FINN: Why not?
BABY YODA: BECAUSE HAVE ANY ARMS, HE DOES NOT.

[Snoke turns away from BABY YODA and towards STUBBLY CHEWBACCA and the PORG EMPEROR, who are still velcro'd together from their overenthusiastic hug a few episodes ago. He slowly lifts one of his legs to extend his foot and, as he does, they are lifted into the air]

STUBBLY CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
PORG EMPEROR: GLAH! GLAH!

[SNOKE then jumps into the air and does a full split which rips them apart violently]

SHAVED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH
PORG EMPEROR: GLAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!
MAZ: Oh no, CHEWIE! That's torn off at least three of your 26 nipples.

WAXED CHEWBACCA: [whimpers uncontrollably as he lies in the fetal position]

PORG EMPEROR: GLAH! THAT WAS GLAH! I DON'T LIKE TO BE GLAH!
BABY YODA: NO! LET THE ANGER AND HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU, YOU MUST NOT.
PORG EMPEROR: (Beats his chest) GLAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH!
MAZ: I have a bad feeling about this.

[SNOKE summons a lightsaber which he catches between his toes and the PORG EMPEROR kneels down before him and is knighted, arising with big yellow evil Sith eyes]

ROSE: Wait a minute. DARTH GLAHBARIAN?! That's really cool. Why does he get a name like that and I have to be DARTH GOLDENBUTT?!?!
MAZ: Your Sith name is DARTH GOLDENBUTT?!?! Ha.
ROSE: Shut up, MAZ.

[Behind DARTH GLAHBARIAN, SNOKE is moving and skipping from side to side, clearly controlling DARTH GLAHBARIAN'S every move as he engages BABY YODA in lightsaber combat and SNOKE moves in unison with him. Despite the difference in size, DARTH GLAHBARIAN proves a formidable match for BABY YODA with his quickness and power and has BABY YODA on the ground, about to deliver the killer blow. BABY YODA is using the force to block the lightsaber which sizzles inches away from his throat]

ROSE: You all asked for this. Once BABY YODA is defeated, nobody can stop us from ruling the galaxy!

[Suddenly, a colorful swirly object appears behind SNOKE, from which a familiar orange arm pulls SNOKE into the SPIRITUAL REALM. No longer possessed, DARTH GLAHBARIAN turns off and drops the lightsaber]

PORG EMPEROR: GLAH! GLAH! What happened? I wasn't myself for a GLAH or two there.
MAZ: You were possessed by a Sith Master. But he got pulled into another realm, so...you're back to normal now?
PORG EMPEROR: GLAH!
MAZ: Okay, good. Or, wait. Threepio was that a yes GLAH or a no GLAH?
C-3PO: Never mind that...they're getting away. Oh my!

[They all turn to see ROSE and FINN flying off again]

Maz: Okay so now what?

[Suddenly, there's a familiar deep, rasping breathing sound]

C-3PO: Oh my! Darth Vader!
GOBBUL: Worse that that, this could be. Fallen asleep again, BABY YODA has.
FRO-YO: Keep us all awake with his snoring, BABY YODA will.
GOBBUL: Without the AMULET POWER SOURCE, wake him up we cannot.
C-3PO: Oh no! I am reticent to ask this but what would happen if Mistress MAZ were to die?

MAZ: (Dies)

Finn.

Thanks for indulging our obsession. Your regularly scheduled JetsFix programming will return tomorrow...

Previously:

STAR WARS EPISODE VIII½ - THE FORCE ISOLATIONS
STAR WARS EPISODE IX½ - THE LAST SHUT-EYE

STAR WARS EPISODE X½ - THE AMULET OF REINVIGORATION

STAR WARS EPISODE XI½ - THE WRIST OF SKYWALKER
STAR WARS EPISODE XII½ - THE BATTLE OF TAK-TOK