STAR WARS - EPISODE XIV½: THE DISCARDED APPENDAGES

STAR WARS
EPISODE XIV½
THE DISCARDED APPENDAGES

Confusion looming! And that’s just the efforts of anyone reading this to understand what the hell is going on…

What can we say? Just go back and read the other XIII½ installments again. What do you want - a PowerPoint presentation?

Fine let’s make history and include bullet-points in the opening crawl for the first time ever. (They’re actually called BLASTERBOLT POINTS in this galaxy, for what it’s worth). Side note: That was also the first ever use of parentheses in the opening crawl, although they’re actually called GOOFENBLAFFERS in this galaxy. Anyway…

• Some of our heroes ended up millions of years in the future due to a carbon cloning mishap
• They subsequently discovered BABY YODA is still alive, immortal and 75-feet tall, and acts as the protector of the galaxy
• Unfortunately he fell asleep just as a NEW SITH THREAT emerged led by FINN who was an android all this time and ROSE who was involved in the cloning mishap but got turned to the DARK SIDE because of her rage at constantly being ignored
• Our heroes, including FRESHLY-WAXED CHEWBACCA, a SOUPED-UP R2-D2, the protocol droid C-3PO and GLAH, the PORG EMPEROR seek to recover the power source for the AMULET OF REIVIGORATION, which they originally intended to use to bring back some of our fallen heroes from the past but now just need to wake up BABY YODA so he can protect them again
• A crisis was averted when ROSE and FINN’s new master - the bottom half of the bisected SUPREME LEADER SNOKE was pulled into the SPIRITUAL REALM by an orange arm that we assume must belong to AHSOKA TANO unless there’s about to be some kind of SHOCKING SWERVE…

[COMPLETE DARKNESS fills the screen but the camera slowly pans across what seems to be a bright star. As the camera loops around, we see the green outline of what appears to be a planet. However, as it slowly pans back, a slice of cucumber is revealed. The camera then pans back further to reveal a very orange EMPEROR PALPATINE lying in a tanning bed.]

EMPEROR PALPATINE: I sense an awakening.

[In the corner of the room, the bottom half of SUPREME LEADER SNOKE, stirs and scrambles awkwardly to stand upright]

EMPEROR PALPATINE: [puts on his cloak] I expect you’re wondering why I brought you here.

[SNOKE taps his foot impatiently]

EMPEROR PALPATINE: And why I decided to kick you in your old man balls and render you unconscious. Don’t worry, everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

SNOKE: [Gurgles in desperation from his cauterized entrails]

EMPEROR PALPATINE: My not-so-young apprentice, you wish to communicate with your master? Hold on…

[Back on BABY YODA’s home planet of TAK-TOK, MAZ is dead, BABY YODA is asleep, FRESHLY-WAXED CHEWBACCA is curled up in a ball, whimpering in pain]

R2-D2: Beep boop beep
PORG EMPEROR: GLAH! What do we do now? GLAH!
C-3PO: We’re doomed. Oh myyyyyyyyy…

[A colorful swirly object appears behind C-3PO and a familiar orange arm grabs his leg and yoinks him into the SPIRITUAL REALM]

C-3PO: I am C-3PO; Human Cyborg relations.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: Now, droid, you will translate for me. Only then will I understand what my apprentice is trying to say.
C-3PO: Of course, I am fluent in over six million forms of communication.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: Including the gargling of cauterized entrails?
C-3PO: Oh. I’m afraid I never did get the latest software package that was included with.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: [Sighs] Execute Upgrade 66!

[A mouse droid wheels up to C-3PO and a cable extends up to his mouth as his eyes turn into rolling beach balls to indicate buffering]

[Back on TAK-TOK, some of MAZ and BABY YODA’s offspring discuss what to do next…]

GOBBUL: The essence, time is of. Recover the power source to revive MAZ and BABY YODA we must.
FRO-YO: Saved us, AHSOKA has. But over, the danger is not.
GOBBUL: A bad feeling about this, I have.
FRESHLY-WAXED CHEWBACCA: RAAAAWWWWRRRGGGHHHH

[Back in the SPIRITUAL REALM…]

EMPEROR PALPATINE: At last, the update is COMPLETE.
SNOKE: [continues to gurgle]
C-3PO: Oh my! I couldn’t possibly repeat what he is trying to say.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: Good! Let your anger fuel your hatred, my old apprentice.
SNOKE: [continues to gurgle and twists to extend his middle toe inches away from PALPATINE’s face]
C-3PO: He says…
EMPEROR PALPATINE: I don’t really need a translation for that one. But you must listen to me, because my plans for you will mean we can rule the galaxy.
SNOKE: [gurgles]
C-3PO: He said “this better be good”
EMPEROR PALPATINE: Oh it’s good. In fact, it’s goooood.
C-3PO: The current gurgling indicates a desire to know what your plan is.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: We will be exploiting the rebellion’s greatest weakness: Dismemberment and decapitation.
C-3PO: He would like to hear more, which leads me to question how he can hear at all without any ears.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: Quiet, droid. It’s like the force or something. Anyway, over the years, the JEDI and WOOKIEES have left a series of body parts from powerful villains all over the galaxy, which means I can now rebuild you to my own design!

[A fluttering sound is heard off-screen and then out of the darkness flies a TOYDARIAN pushing a REPULSOR CART, clearly recognizable as the distant descendent of a very familiar character, but with a far-less offensive accent]

C-3PO: You look extremely familiar.
THENNO: THENNO is the name, and I am a distant relative of WATTO, who once sold ship parts and carried out repairs on the planet TATOOINE.
C-3PO: I think that was before my memory was wiped actually.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: I trust you have the parts I ordered?
THENNO: Absolutely. I have this WAMPA arm, retrieved from the planet HOTH. This PONDA BABA arm, which my ancestor acquired on his home planet. And these two ANAKIN SKYWALKER arms, picked up on MUSTAFAR.
C-3PO: That’s quite the selection you have there.
THENNO: Of course, I am one of the galaxy’s premier arms dealers.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: These SKYWALKER arms are very fire-damaged. And one of them has a fake hand.
THENNO: I also have this UNKAR PLUTT arm, which I picked up on TAKODANA.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: Didn’t CHEWBACCA rip that off in a deleted scene from the FORCE AWAKENS?
THENNO: Yes, it’s extremely rare, which means it’s going to cost you.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: I’m not made of credits. I’ll take the WAMPA arm and an ANAKIN.
THENNO: You have got yourself a deal.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: And you brought the special item I requested.
THENNO: Of course.

[He lifts up a white container that looks a bit like an ice-cream maker and removes the lid with a hiss as steam pours out. He then lifts out the head of COUNT DOOKU.]

[A montage follows, with EMPEROR PALPATINE using the force to lift the various body parts together to create a whole being which comes together much like IRON MAN putting his costume on]

EMPEROR PALPATINE: Arise DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN.
C-3PO: If that’s all, sir?
EMPEROR PALPATINE: We have everything we need here. Which doesn’t include you.

[Back on TAK-TOK, the SPIRITUAL REALM opens again and C-3PO flies out, much like JAZZ being thrown out by UNCLE PHIL from the FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR]

R2-D2: Beep boop beep
C-3PO: Oh my! No, it wasn’t AHSOKA at all. It was a rather polite elderly gentleman who I’ve literally never interacted with before (look it up) so I do not recognize.
GOBBUL: Unexpected, this is.
C-3PO: And he now has rebuilt his apprentice. Oh my! We are doomed!

[Back in the SPIRITUAL REALM, things are not exactly transpiring to EMPEROR PALPATINE’s design]

DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN: I have a bone to pick with you.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: My apprentice…
DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN: “Do it”? DO IT? You betrayed me!
EMPEROR PALPATINE: It was always my plan to bring you back like this.
DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN: I was COUNT DOOKU aka DARTH TYRANNUS aka a viable threat to rule the galaxy in my own right. And now you bring be back as DARTH PATCHWORKQUILT or whatever the f…
EMPEROR PALPATINE: Use your anger to work with me, not against me.
DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN: I fear we are long past that.

[He fires a bolt of force lightning at EMPEROR PALPATINE which is immediately neutralized by PALPATINE’s own force lightning bolt]

DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN: It is obviously that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the force, but by our skills with a lightsaber.
EMPEROR PALPATINE: Uh, actually we used up most of our budget with that opening shot and the IRON MAN montage, so could we just settle it based on our knowledge of the force instead? I don’t think Disney will stump up for another lightsaber fight.
DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN: Fine. As you wish, master.

[Suddenly a desk lights up, behind which sits FODE and BEED, the two-headed podrace announcer from THE PHANTOM MENACE]

FODE: Welcome, ladies and gentleman to KNOWLEDGE OF THE FORCE! A new gameshow where we settle contests and answer the galaxy’s biggest questions!
BEED: [Relays the same information in HUTTESE]
FODE: Our contestants today: From EXEGOL, he’s a 1,000,088 year old SITH LORD - DARTH SIDIOUS!

[EMPEROR PALPATINE waves in response to canned applause]

BEED: [Says something in Huttese]
FODE: Obviously, he was 88 when he died and now here we are a million years in the future.
BEED: [Says something in Huttese, punctuated by “DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN”]

[DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN looks confused as a spotlight hits him to more canned applause]

DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN: Your voice is very familiar.
FODE: I am actually voiced by GREG PROOPS from WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY.
DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN: I never knew that.
FODE: You never even knew that? Then the Emperor has aleady won…

[Defeated, DARTH WAMPENSNOOKIN kneels before EMPEROR PALPATINE]

DARTH WAMNPENSNOOKIN: What is your bidding, my master?

[Back on TAK-TOK, our heroes are still deciding what to do…]

GOBBUL: A great disturbance in the force have I felt.
FRO-YO: Upon us, a new threat is.
R2-D2: Beep boop beep
PORG EMPEROR: GLAH! We must figure out how to get the power source immediately.
C-3PO: Is anyone else wondering what’s been going on with MISTRESS ROSE and MASTER FINN?
GOBBUL: [shrugs] Meh.

Finn.

Thanks for indulging our obsession. Your regularly scheduled JetsFix programming will return tomorrow...

Previously:

STAR WARS EPISODE VIII½ - THE FORCE ISOLATIONS
STAR WARS EPISODE IX½ - THE LAST SHUT-EYE

STAR WARS EPISODE X½ - THE AMULET OF REINVIGORATION

STAR WARS EPISODE XI½ - THE WRIST OF SKYWALKER
STAR WARS EPISODE XII½ - THE BATTLE OF TAK-TOK
STAR WARS EPISODE XIII½ - THE OVERSTRETCHED PREMISE